January, 2015
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usefulness
“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived, and lived well.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
Today I returned to yoga after missing the past two weeks for holidays. After practice — which was surprisingly fulfilling despite how stiff and weak I felt going in – my teacher read the above quote. At first I was taken aback by the idea that life’s purpose was not happiness, but rather usefulness. I’d never heard the quote before and thought how much about Emerson I did not know.
But once the quote was completed, I was struck by the power of its message. And then I pondered on the idea that if one found a great purpose in life, and pursued that purpose with honor, integrity and passion — an immediate by-product of that must inevitably be happiness. So wouldn’t it of course be more fulfilling to all of us to have reason and purpose first and just have faith and trust that pursuing that purpose would not only “make some difference that you have lived” but bring happiness and the contentment that you have “lived well.”
first snow
Today was the first true snow of the season. It began fast and steady just after seven a.m. and didn’t really end until nearly four. I’d already left the office by then — very concerned that the cold would make my commute home worse than the ice skating I did on my way in this morning.
It didn’t turn out to be a bad commute home but it was chilly chilly chilly by the time I climbed out of the car and Lucy and I did a tour around the yard.
I don’t know if it was the sudden temperature drop or just the marked difference between this morning and this afternoon, but the clarity of the late afternoon was stunning. The sky had been so gray and full of snow all day, that to see the pale blue sky and the clear straw yellow of the sun — totally breathtaking. It was as though everything had sharper edges, crisper colors. So beautiful.
I love the snow and cold.
panic attack
Right now, my eyelids are so heavy and my mind is so thick I cannot guarantee that this post will make any sense.
Today was a flurry of anxiety, frustration, fear and utter despair. I honestly wondered halfway through the day how I’d possibly done my job successfully to this point. I felt as though I was drowning. I try to learn every day at work — learn a little bit more about accounting, learn a little bit more about HR, learn a little bit more about insurance. Sometimes I feel as though my head is going to explode. Often I feel as though I’m failing. Luckily, and by the grace of God combined with a little hard work and elbow grease on my part, I’ve managed to be fairly decent at what I do, and I keep growing as the business grows — I guess that’s all I can ask for.
But amidst the growth and learning and keeping things rolling along come days like today. Ooof.
It’s somewhat surreal to shake uncontrollably for the majority of your day and not have a clear idea how to make it stop. But eventually, as another wave of panic seemed to engulf me, I realized I’d gotten through the majority of my to-do list, and I was safe to hit the road and head home.
Lucy had come to work with me (a leaky pipe and the necessity of a plumber shutting off the water is always the way a person likes to begin their first week of the new year). So we packed up my (overstuffed) bag and headed home.
I thought about my resolutions on my drive home — I actually thought about them a lot as I lay in the murky early morning darkness trying to settle my wildly pounding heart. Anxiety is the worst. But beginning each day by confirming that it is going to be a good day — SO HARD.
And yet, I sort of think it made today a little better. So that’s a start.
contrary
I’ve been in quite the mood today. So let me get a few things off my chest.
Watching Pittsburgh play last night was agonizing and heartbreakingly frustrating. I’m sad their playoff run ended so soon — but I couldn’t have watched that team struggle through another game. It was painful. I will miss the veterans on defense whom I am assuming will not be re-signed next year (Kiesel, Harrison, Taylor … dare I say Polamalu?) I will not miss watching the defense struggle when the Steeler’s defense shouldn’t struggle. Ever.
Next up: Whenever I begin watching one of “The Hobbit” movies all.I.want.to.watch is “Lord of the Rings.” I’m sure I’ll get over that one day and really crave returning to Bilbo’s adventure with the dwarves. But right now — I just really need a little Frodo and Sam — with some Strider and Legolas thrown in. Essentially the entire feeling of “The Fellowship of the Ring” — none of which “The Hobbit” films have.
Let’s take a little trip down memory lane …. Hopefully it clears up some of my love for the LoTR films.
In early 2002 I’d just returned from studying abroad in Italy. I’d wanted to stay another semester but circumstances (and finances) prevented it so I found myself back in State College, half-way moved into a room my brother sublet for me in a sorority house (sidenote: I am not, nor have I ever been, in a sorority). My parents had driven the two of us back to school on a cold January afternoon and nearly instantly headed home — for fear of getting stranded by the impending snowstorm.
The snow hit, and I unenthusiastically tried to put my room together. I was sad, and scared and not at all happy to be back at school. I felt alone. Really, fully, in my bones, alone. So — after meeting the girls who would be my housemates for a semester (one of whom is still my great friend, so it all ended up working out!) I decided to go for a walk. I bundled up (it was cold cold cold) and shuffled around State College (where the sidewalks weren’t all shoveled yet and no one was really out and about). After some walking and far too much introspective thinking, I found myself outside the movie theater and decided to see if anything was playing. I’d seen Ocean’s 11 that break and had really loved it — I thought watching that again was vastly preferable to returning to my new ‘home.’
Ocean’s 11 had begun half an hour earlier, and wasn’t playing again for quite some time. In fact, everything in the theatre had start times in over an hour, except The Fellowship of the Ring. I had absolutely zero desire to see JRR Tolkien’s epic. As in — none. I’d read The Hobbit during middle school and enjoyed it. But I had failed to be even slightly intrigued by the density of The Lord of the Rings. (That’s the nicest way I can think to describe trying to read Tolkien).
But I also REALLY didn’t want to go back to the sorority house. So I paid for a ticket, and after taking off several layers of snowy clothing and buying some popcorn and a soda, I settled into the last row of what was perhaps the smallest movie theatre I’d ever been in. The previews had already begun (I remember thinking forlornly that I’d missed the best part) and I watched and waited for the film to start.
And — not to be overly dramatic — it completely swept me away. And continues to do so to this day.
That movie, on that day, at that time — something about it was so magical, so transporting — that all the sadness and loneliness of being back at Penn State seemed to melt away into the background. And strangely — it was also a turning point. My college experience began to change then — school seemed less dismal, and I made new friends — friends to go drink margaritas with at Mad Mex, friends who came to see me in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, friends who brought me to cross training classes at local gyms … and so many other things! — sometime I’ll have to revisit the day Minda and I drank White Merlot and watched an entire season of Buffy while the fraternity next door did mud slides on their front lawn. The next year I became a total theatre school nerd, did lots of shows (both on stage and on crew) and made more friends who are still in my life today.
I know it probably sounds hokey, but there’s a part of me that feels as though that movie saved my life. Certainly changed my life. And maybe it did, maybe it didn’t. But it feels like it did to me. So a lot of times, when things feel a little overwhelming, all I want is to drift away into Middle Earth and forget my woes.
As I’ve written this, I’ve sort of marveled at how strongly things have marked time in my life. I can remember so many clear details of opening the door to the movie theater in downtown State College (that no longer exists) and being overwhelmingly disappointed that not a single other movie was available for me to see. And I also remember walking home in the blustering wind, still halfway in Middle Earth — plotting to buy the books (which I did) and read them from cover to cover (which I did not). Totally transported to a place of imagination and wonder. I saw the movie another two times in the theatre, and the subsequent sequels on opening night (Return of the King —midnight showing with my roommate at the time — nearly killed me! I was so tired by the end and I swear — the sun was coming up when we left the theatre!).
So I stared this post with a completely different intention. But I enjoyed walking down memory lane. I am glad of the significance this film has played in my life (just ask the man — we both completely love it). I’m glad I remembered the story of how I found it. It’s been a crazy trip down memory lane. Insane to think it was 12 years ago. Time is an amazing thing.
deal breakers
I was thinking today how everything seems to change when situations shift from the hypothetical to reality. All of a sudden, your vision becomes much more clear — what you like, what you don’t, what’s a necessity, what’s negotiable.
It made me begin to think about how that applies to so many things — not just huge life moments. I mean, a lot of times I try to walk a very fine line — especially at work, but also in other aspects of life. Trying to hear all sides of an issue before making a decision, etc. Once, I did vehemently disagree with a decision made about our menu, and I pulled all sorts of reports to support my cause. I won. But most of the time, I like to be as flexible as possible, because there are too many changes to get too attached (especially in the restaurant biz),
The hubs and I were laughing about it as we scrolled through postings on our iPads. Which things we could live with — and which things we couldn’t. It’s funny when you begin to contemplate making a huge life decision — which things become legitimately important.
I hope — when this newest adventure reaches its inevitable conclusion — that we can look around and feel completely comfortable with the choices we made. And completely at peace with the compromises.
Growing up is hard.
comfort
Today was one of those days when if I’d had the option of staying in bed, I might have taken it. Sometime on New Year’s Eve I started to feel a little off — really hot and then really cold and very tired (although the tired part is sort of par for the course for me).
Yesterday, the congestion began.
And this morning — full-on death.
I’m not a good sick person. I shuffle around and make low noises that — really, don’t do anything, but I guess help anyone near me to know that I don’t.feel.well. Sadly, the man has also been under the weather and someone (ahem, Lucy) ate the remainder of the wonderful Italian nut roll that was wrapped in aluminum foil on the counter.
I did not know it was possible to do a grocery shop at Walgreens, but that’s what it came down to today. Dressed in the comfiest of comfy clothing, we somehow managed to get NyQuil and Alka Seltzer Cold & Flu, soup, milk, orange juice, saltines and Airborne gummy chews. Because after the whirlwind of the holidays, we realized that we had eggs in our fridge … and that was it. So we had some scrambled eggs for breakfast but knew we’d have to leave our den of disease at some point.
I think it’s kind of funny to begin the year in such a state. Things can only get better from here, right? But it’s also funny to think of all the resolutions, all the ‘changes’ I wanted to begin at the start of 2015 — but when you’re sick, none of that matters. Hot food matters. Comfortable clothing matters. Blankets and TV and glasses matter. It makes me smile.
At some point I am going to be motivated enough to begin my smoothie regime again. I will feel energetic enough to climb in the car and drive over to the gym to swim laps. I will feel awake enough to finish cleaning out the drawers in the kitchen and putting together a pile of clothing for donation.
That day — it’s not today. Today, John and I will be slurping creamy tomato basil soup and falling asleep in a NyQuil coma before 10pm. But maybe that day will be tomorrow ….
resolutions
The beginning of the year feels mildly like a Monday — a great excuse to begin again, start new traditions. I’ve found — in my limited time on this Earth — that the day you begin something doesn’t really matter. It’s whether or not you believe in what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, and if you feel fully committed to making a change.
It is much easier said than done.
That being said — here are some of my lofty (and not so loftly) goals for this newest year. Happy 2015 World!
1. I would like to learn to speak Spanish. I was given Rosetta stone for my birthday, and I would really like to dedicate myself to working through the levels and being able to communicate in a second language.
2. I would like to be disciplined enough to sit down on a regular basis, and play my keyboard. John bought it for me last Christmas, and while I’ve worked my way through some of the early pages of my beginner’s piano lessons (from freshman year of college! eeek!) I have absolutely not spent enough time playing. May I confess here that plopping down on the couch after driving home from work is a much easier option? It really is.
3. I would like to make a more consistent effort in regards to my diet and how it affects my health and my functionality in life. Yes, I love food — but I really need to be more steady in my routine diet choices. Zucchini pasta anyone? (I love it!).
4. I would like to unplug more. This past month of mild social media separation meant I read more books, I wrote more things, I cooked more meals, I was much more on-point at work …. I mean, the benefits are basically endless. I’d like to keep that up.
5. I’d like to begin each day by saying “Today is going to be a good day.” And then live it to the fullest, enjoy each moment, and rejoice in the blessings that fill my life.
I think I’ve given myself a plate-full, so I am going to decide that at the moment, those five things will occupy my time and require my full attention.
2014 began as a rocky climb up hill — but somewhere along the way, it got good. I like how John and I adapted to the changes we faced (two restaurants for me, a new job for him, etc) and made the best decisions we could in regards to our future and our stability. I learned a lot of lessons in 2014 that I hope I carry with me, and that help shape the next adventure.
Cheers to new beginnings, clean slates, and amazing people with whom to jump off cliffs.
xoxo, g
D5 Creation