Fatigue is a funny thing.  Sometimes it feels like you’re walking through water — sounds are muffled, your head doesn’t seem to work properly — everything feels slow and blurry around the edges.  Other times it feels like you’ve had too many glasses of wine — loose, and happy and slightly off-balance.

I’ve become intimately familiar with fatigue over the past few years.  I’d always struggled with feeling tired — something that is a strong symptom of MS, so it isn’t surprising, really.  But the fatigue that comes with MS is so utterly all-consuming, it’s almost funny.  And it comes in all shapes and sizes.  I’ve gotten very used to feeling tired all the time, for everything.  It’s all about pushing through — not allowing anything to manipulate your life so much it becomes it’s ruler.

Today the fatigue is so overwhelming I feel as though my brain is short circuiting.  As though I am unable to focus on anything for more than a few moments.  Everything feels foggy, and very difficult.  Small things become huge efforts.

It sucks.

I’ve definitely found the beginning of 2015 to be a challenge.  Maybe I just wasn’t quite ready to hit the ground running — maybe I needed a little bit of a respite before going full steam.  I’m not totally sure.  I just know that I feel stretched to the ends of my finger tips, the limits of my capabilities, the outskirts of my strength.

Tomorrow I get to go in and fill my veins with the poison of my drug infusion.  I’d love to be indignant about turning to medicine as my savior (“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food” comes to mind).  But I’d be lying if I said anything other than I’m counting the minutes.  Two years ago I was diagnosed with the knowledge of my disease and since then, it’s been a spiraling rabbit hole of symptoms and flares and relapses and ineffective treatment.  To finally have found a glimmer of hope means that I’ve clung to it, focused on it, put all of my eggs (and everyone else’s) in one basket.  And today I’m less than twenty-four hours away, and it’s almost as if my body is giving out in anticipation.

So, that’s me today.  it’s the only thing I am aware of, the only thing I can seem to get my head around.  Nothing else is linear, my thoughts are amorphous clouds ebbing and flowing in my mind.

It’s been a long day.  And there’s still a long way to go.