Sometimes, it takes some harsh words to finally snap out of a funk.

I was daydreaming today about homes … which included a few (more than a few?) google searches and virtual tours and floor plans and gallery browses.  And since it hasn’t been the most uplifting week, I found myself falling deeper and deeper into self-pity.

Why wasn’t I where I wanted to be … why hadn’t I achieved what I wanted to achieve … why did everything feel so difficult, so challenging?

And then I wallowed some more.

Driving home, instead of listening to a good book and escaping into another world, I called the man and wallowed some more, sniffling and hiccupping into the phone.  He spoke purposefully but with compassion.  He said “Becoming miserable can happen to anyone. Staying miserable is our own fault.”

And he said it again as we met each other’s gaze over the kitchen island.

And I knew he was SO right.

The thing is, last year, as we launched into 2013, I thought so much about staying upbeat ~ about meeting my diagnosis head on and not allowing it to control me, or ruin me.

And then somewhere along the way, I lost that outlook.  I’m pretty sure it was when I broke my foot ~ which is sad, because that happened nearly seven months ago.  My attitude was compounded by other health stuff … which might have been triggered by my poor attitude.  Basically a vicious cycle of ‘ugh.’

Even just snapping out of it tonight has made me, in a small way, feel lighter.  It really is such a mental battle.  It’s about finding the positive, and working toward betterment rather than focusing on the negative and always seeing the short-comings.  I think being negative is so much easier ~ it stems from insecurity and feeling slighted or as though an injustice has been done.  It’s harder to always work for the good.  (Sidenote:  My acting teaching in college was big on ‘por los buenos’ … aka, for the good.  All character motivation was working por los buenos ~ something that helped make seemingly dark or bad characters have believable motivation and depth).  But the thing is, quality of life exists when focusing on life’s blessings rather than life’s curses.  And as difficult as that may be, I think with practice, it will get easier.  And hopefully both I and my beloved husband can find our way back to a better mental place.