Where to start ….

Here’s the thing.  I know what i want to say.  I just don’t quite know how to get there from nothing.   Ultimate challenge, eh?

So, truth.  After all the sympathy and the positive thoughts, at the bottom of it all lurks the cold, hard truth.  You don’t have MS.  You aren’t struggling.  My mother said this to me matter-of-factly, as she has been dealing with it as well in her own situation.  She may have even laughed dryly and then said with total clarity, “You know Mousie, everyone says they are so sorry ~ but their gut reaction is relief.  And wouldn’t yours be?”  A thoughtful pause.  “It would be. I would be relieved it wasn’t happening to me.”

Aye, there’s the rub.

Listen, she’s right.  In the past, when I’ve heard about other people’s trouble I’ve felt terrible, but also secretly glad that I got to go home and forget all about it.  And I know that as I struggle through all these changes no one is sitting at home worrying about me.  Life moves on, there are things to see, to do, to experience.  Heck, I have so much exciting stuff going on I don’t even want to have to deal with all the baggage.  Unfortunately, here I am.

It’s humbling, all the things I’m learning as I work through my very first *official* flare.  I’ve had good moments, a lot of bad ones, and I’ve been horribly tired (hence the silence on here).  I wonder how many others are out there, dealing like I am, figuring out how to navigate this stuff.  It’s not easy.  And any idea I had of just sort of brushing over MS is gone.  No one could ignore this stuff.  I mean, wrap your head around being 33 and barely able to see, walk straight or tie your shoes?  If it wasn’t real, it would be sort of hilarious.  It still kind of is.

So I thought today I would reflect on the things keeping me sane, keeping me smiling through this.

I met a man with MS who was so kind, smart, and utterly sympathetic on Sunday, and he has agreed to talk to me and help me in any way he can. It’s amazing how generous people are ~ especially when they truly understand and care.

MS has given me perspective on life ~ I just don’t have time for the crap anymore.  I want to be happy, to enjoy the good things, to laugh with my love, snuggle with my puppy, enjoy good books and movies and time with family and beautiful vistas and trips ….  It’s amazing what life has to offer you when you are willing to look past the daily humdrum stuff.

I am obsessed with audible.com.  I love getting in the car and disappearing inside a good book ~no stressful vision required.  I’m completely addicted and cannot rave enough about how amazing the written word is ~ I remember my mum reading aloud to Dave and I as we grew up, and she gave us such a precious gift.  I am forever grateful.

People are incredibly generous.  Seriously.  We were just given amazing news from our landlords ~ they are building us an outdoor patio area and mostly, we just asked.  So often we defeat ourselves before even giving things a try.  I love being surprised in the best possible way.  I can’t wait to enjoy being outside with Lucy and the man and enjoying our gorgeous garden from our friends/landlords.

I am overwhelmed by my boss and his huge heart.  Work isn’t always easy, and it can be stressful and crazy.  But it’s exciting and fun and ever-changing, and my boss has been flexible as I’ve faced my obstacles and been nothing but supportive.  He will probably never read this, but I couldn’t ask for a better leader, owner and friend.  He has been incredible through all this, and I am eternally grateful.

And finally, to the man.  I would be lost without you ~ with you, I am not alone, or scared, or overwhelmed.  You make life all that it is.  I cannot wait to promise forever to you, and I am so glad that you will be there to walk by my side and be my best friend, confidante and love for the rest of my life & into eternity.  Thank you for getting me through this.  I promise it will get easier.

Everyone has ups and downs ~ that’s a universal truth.  And not one of us knows what it’s like to walk in someone else’s moccasins.  My path has been tough recently, but I am clinging to the faith that things will get easier, I will get better and as I do so, I will learn more about how to deal with my moccasins.

Today, they’re pretty okay.  I’m hoping that means I’m in the home stretch to feeling better.