I was on GOOP.com the other day (I love Gwyneth Paltrow because her name is Gwyneth … which makes complete sense to me) and was browsing through the abundance of articles listed under many categories.  It’s a pretty interesting site, and I can waste spend a lot of work free time getting lost in all the goodness. (We can keep this between us, okay?)

One of the subjects immediately caught my eye, and I thought to myself, how relevant.  Friendship Divorce.  And yes, it’s as bad as it sounds.

Friendships end, that’s just how life goes, but no one really talks about it the way we all dissect and relive and interpret the break ups of romantic relationships.  And when friendships end, there are a lot of unforseen consequences ~ like a ‘real’ divorce.  Which friends are mine?  Which friends are yours?  Give me my stuff back … give me my stuff back, etc etc.

I’ve gone through a fair amount of friendship break ups  ~ some where I was immediately involved, and some where I was an innocent bystander (sort of, I mean, I’m a girl after all) unsure of how to proceed in the wake of a brutal break up of mutual friends.  (Can I keep you both?)

Navigating a friendship divorce is a lot like what I imagine navigating a mine field might be.  Sometimes you’re really calm, super zen ~ it’s all for the best.  Sometimes you’re overly analytical, completely tuned into the paranoia.  Sometimes you’re too acerbic and angry ~ like water trickling over a ledge that somehow, instantly becomes a gushing fountain, totally tapped into the frustration that got it all started in the first place.

People behave badly during these break-ups.  We don’t always say what we mean, or even intend to say.  Sometimes we forget that not everyone agrees with how we feel.  It’s a sticky, messy, far-too-sensitive thing to untangle.  In a word, it sucks.

But here’s the thing.  Friendship divorces don’t happen for no reason.  They don’t pop up out of no where because one time, your friend didn’t pick you up from the train station, or because she couldn’t meet you out for drinks one night.  They happen for the same reason romantic relationships crumble.  One day, you realize that you don’t have a single positive thing to say about your ‘friend.’  You don’t really like them, and every time you interact, your body tenses with negativity.  You find yourself sliding down a slippery slope of cattiness and small-mindedness.  Are you really supposed to stay friends with a person who makes you feel like that?  Isn’t the best thing to walk away?

There’s no need to continue to spew negativity, or think angry, narrow-minded, judgemental thoughts.  Sometimes, it’s best to call it a day.  And truth be told, that other person probably isn’t as bad as you see them, but you’ve lost perspective ~ you can’t see the other side any more for the mound of resentment that’s built up like a cold hard block in your chest (near that place where your heart is supposed to be).

I haven’t always been the best version of myself in the days that followed a friendship divorce.  Things like that make a person a little insecure (women can be, and usually in these situations are, vicious).  I let myself down recently when, instead of moving onward and upward and talking about new, exciting and thought-provoking subjects and ideas, I found myself sarcastically reliving moments from the past that didn’t need to be rehashed or even discussed.  I disappointed myself.

I have a lot of good friends, and some great ones, too.  And it’s disrespectful to them to pull them into a personal situation that they probably want to pretend isn’t happening.  Friendships are just as difficult as relationships to nurture and maintain.  And when they fall apart, they are just as ugly.  It’s the angry side in all of us that dwells and fixates, and it’s a lot easier to give into the momentary satisfaction of being mean, than to rise above all that ickiness, and move on with grace and class.  I think most of us muddle through with a little bit of both.

It can also be sad when a friendship ends ~ probably not at the beginning, when all the angst is still front and center, and the recent wound is open and angry.  But some of those friendships that drifted apart or ended abruptly still had their good times, still had memories that can no longer be ret0ld over wine with laughter.

I think that having the strength to walk away from any relationship shows character.  It’s hard to recognize sometimes that something has turned toxic.  There are a lot of excuses and explanations given until one day you look in the mirror and you know it’s time.  And when that happens, there’s really no going back.